mystical visions and cosmic vibrations

according to wikipedia: Shaman perform a plethora of functions depending upon the society wherein they practise their art: healing; leading a sacrifice; preserving the tradition by storytelling and songs; fortune-telling; acting as a psychopomp (literal meaning, “guide of souls”). In some cultures, a shaman may fulfill several functions in one person.

it's always an interesting conversation to reflect on connectedness while using a personal isolation device. this is the name i've given to socially deconstructive devices like cell phones, laptops, and ipods. while drawing away from each other, we are longing to connect. the sounds and images we seek in solitude are being seen simultaneously by others, so in that sense, we are building a collective consciousness. but i believe there is something more that binds us together.

i've always been a closet mystic, conducting studies in the night and away from the prying eyes of others who might misunderstand and judge. i can't make everyone happy, but it's important for me to try and make myself understand what is happening.i would even say it's become a compulsion, this search. leaving no metaphysical rock unturned, i seeking answers from dreams and visions. i read tarot cards, tea leaves, clouds, and personal effects. i always have. some might dissapprove, but it's capturing me, helping me to hold on to some connection with the world around me. and then there's the touching thing.

anyone who knows me can tell you i'm pretty much against being touched. on occasion, i meet people who i feel perfectly at ease with, and can maintain some form personal intimacy, but for the most part, i like to keep my distance. it's not because i'm anti-social per se. it's more about the actual repercussions of physical contact. it's difficult to explain, but i'll make an effort. when people touch me, it affects me emotionally. the only way i can ever relate it to anyone else is by using a story about jesus. it's luke 8:40-47, and it goes like this:

40 And it came to pass, that, when Jesus was returned, the people gladly received him: for they were all waiting for him. 41 And, behold, there came a man named Jairus, and he was a ruler of the synagogue: and he fell down at Jesus' feet, and besought him that he would come into his house: 42 For he had one only daughter, about twelve years of age, and she lay a dying. But as he went the people thronged him.43 And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any, 44 Came behind him, and touched the hem of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched. 45 And Jesus said, Who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me? 46 And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that power is gone out of me. 47 And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately. "

i know that's a far stretch, but something goes from me when people touch me, especially without my permission. there is an emotional drain that happens. people think i'm just being rude, but it's because it makes me sick. there are others who can help me with the simplest touch, people i press against in sleep and surrender, one of the few places i can find rest and escape from the maddness.

it's been a long time since i've had that rest, and i think i've gone and missed my opportunity. life is coming fast, and faster every day. i am seeking rest against the noise of the world inside myself. everything happens in due time.

“my home...it is my retreat and resting place from wars, i try to keep this corner as a haven against the tempest outside, as i do another corner in my soul.”
-michel de montaigne